i cant believe the month is about to end. i swear its been a week at most.. im supposed to be working on stuff for school but ive just been thinking about edward nashton from the batman 2022 movie.... like ok then fuck school am i right. i also played a lot of class of 09 yesterday. its genuinely really funny i can see why it blew up.. fucked up lesbians in rape the school. i dont really have much to say i just like wanted to type. i guess ill chill today, or try to be chill. i got such a shitty haircut right now its kinda hard to chill... like i look horrid. i look like a punk bowl.

today is depressing. i started well, classes went well, yada yada. walking the dog went well. lunch went well. its crazy how i mess up once and suddenly i just want to kill myself. its crazy how life sucks. i havent even eaten dinner or anything. im just in bed. thinking. my mom told me i want to be raped by my dad. its hurtful. it isnt even a thing where shes being weird she just yelled it out and i started crying, and im the one in the wrong here too. because she kept asking why i wouldnt look at her or reply. why would i reply? why would i respond to something like that?

id rather be dead. not with mom or dad. mom yells at me so much she makes me feel retarded and useless everyday. and i dont know with dad, hes in spain, im scared of spain. i have so many things here id have to move. and i have things that cost a lot of money too. what if the luggage gets taken or lost or something? i cant afford to lose my tablet like that. or any of my other things. plus my dad lives with his mom and i dont know anything about her. and i cant leave my dog here.

its in times like this i really want to die. when i feel all alone in the world. when i feel like no one loves me. and when i feel like a terrible person. but you know, affirmations. im not retarded, im not stupid, im not useless, im not disgusting, im not a bad person, i dont deserve to die, i dont need to die.

i dont know how to write. goodnight.